Al Sharpton Buys L.A. Clippers, Vows To End Racism In NBA

Just moments after the L.A. Clippers finished off the Golden State Warriors, 126-121, to move to Round Two of the NBA Playoffs, a secret meeting took place to discuss the future of the Clippers franchise. This meeting was held in a high security location, to ensure no recording devices were used, but the National Report has an insider who spoke to us under the condition that his name was never released publicly. We would like to thank Chris Paul for his anonymous comments about this meeting between Al Sharpton and members of Donald Sterling’s legal team and business advisors (apparently Donald was unavailable for the meeting, most likely due to the fact it was with a black man).

According to our source, the only condition that Al Sharpton requested was the ability to terminate any contract for players or staff immediately after the 2014 season ends, and Donald Sterling will be required to pay them out for the remainder of their contracts. This didn’t seem unusual, since new owners normally want their own personnel involved in a transition, but when Sharpton requested to see only contracts of White employees of the franchise, it set off warning bells in many of the meeting participant’s minds. Bystanders say that Sharpton was talking about ending racism in sports once and for all, by removing White people from the ranks. Money was the final factor though, after offering over $1.8 billion for the franchise, the attorneys and advisors for Sterling were heard giggling and then instantly saying “Deal”. This is the most money ever paid for a professional sports franchise, and the second most ever paid to finance an absurd political agenda (Obama’s two campaigns hold the record for absurd political agendas). 

There are a few issues still clouding this sale though, and Mel Gibson or Paula Deen still have an opportunity to buy this team, if Al Sharpton can’t collect enough SNAP cards and welfare checks, or the procedes from stolen bikes and video game stations from his supporters in 90 days. Al Sharpton is notoriously broke, and uses television appearances and lawsuits to make ends meet, so it would be next to impossible for him to pay $1.8 billion on his own, but he has asked Beyonce, Jay-Z, Kanye, B.E.T. Network and Oprah to help end racism in the NBA, along with a badly worded Kickstarter drive, it may come together for him.